Say It Out Loud

Not everything I say is super spiritual. Not every thought that crosses my mind is pleasing to the Lord. Most of the times I barely catch the negativity before it finds a place in my thoughts; the words that come out when I’m alone would, well- I’d be ashamed if the fly on the wall heard them. Not everyday is a good day for me. I am a Christian. I do mean to lead a Godly life. I don’t always get it right, but I am trying. I am still trying to figure out what’s okay .

I listen to other women talk and they seem like they have all of the answers. Their marriages are so greeaaaattt and their lives seem so carefree. “But what happened to their cross Lord,” I ask from time to time. “Why does it seem to be so much lighter than mine?” God always sends his Word and it always eats me up. “My grace is sufficient for you. For my strength is made perfect in your weakness.” I’m always weak, so I know God’s strength is being perfected in me. Some days I think I am the only one that cares. The only one not willing to give it all up so easily. The only one with a conscience. The only thinking about consequences. The only one talking to God about it. The only one praying.How prideful of me! Of course I’m not better than he is, but that doesn’t keep me from telling God all about him. Doesn’t stop me from rolling my eyes when he’s said another stupid thing. Doesn’t keep me from thinking that one-liner that I know would kill the whole argument. Doesn’t stop the thoughts that enter my head that he really doesn’t know how good he has it. What pride!

Pride that God says will come before the fall!

Pride that God says he opposes!

I don’t want to be in opposition with God.

I don’t want to be an enemy to him.

But at least I know what I’m getting if I take that stance. My marriage isn’t as predictable. It changes. It changed me. May be for the good…the bad. I still haven’t figured that out.

God says ” I change not!” And I say that’s all fine and good Lord, but I don’t know what I’m getting from moment to moment. This isn’t even the person I went to sleep with last night, much less walked down the aisle to. I would love to be as confident in your plans for me as you are. I’m just too human.

Too imperfect.

Too afraid.

Too full of doubt and fear.

Lord help me. I know this all sounds awful and I feel bad saying it, but I know I don’t truly get your help if I’m not honest about what I need.

I do love this man. I do want to raise these children.

But I am broken and tired. My heart and mind are disheveled and I’m not sure I care to put it back in order anymore. That’s just the thing.

There is nothing I can do.

I’m completely helpless unless you intervene.

There.

I said it out loud.