Wow! I just knew that I would be able to get back to my regularly scheduled programming with this blog after three days in reflection, but my body said otherwise. I had one of the worst headaches I’ve had in a very long time, on top of vomiting. No, I’m not pregnant! I will however be staying away from overly spicy foods. They haven’t liked me since my baby girl was born. After a C-section and a tubal ligation, I guess my digestive system needs to me to calm all that down. I’m going to listen!
Speaking of listening, I’ve had to do a lot of that. Listening. I’ve had to listen for the voice of God in the middle of having an attitude. I’ve had to listen to the concerns of those around me about my health and overall well-being. I’ve tuned in to some good friends encouraging me in this journey and pushing me to stay focused no matter what, not because things would get better per se, but because this situation was bigger than me. I am sure now, more than ever, that the voice of God, if we are not careful, can be the voice of least influence when we are facing hard times in our lives. Often, our first instinct is to respond to what is going on around us. We may close ourselves off to the outside world and attempt to handle it internally. We may do the exact opposite and tell anyone who will listen everything that is happening in our lives good, bad and ugly. I myself have leaned towards one of those extremes at one time or another. I don’t know if I was trying to put on a brave face or protect myself and the individuals involved. All I know is that when tragedy strikes our first response, maybe not always outwardly, is the most honest one. The way we feel when hurt is fresh and raw, and most like a large, gaping wound, is the most genuine that our perspective will ever be concerning what has happened to us. We are at this time, the most truthful about our reality and our situation. Somewhere down the line though, we start trying to cover that truth up. We may not be getting the response we want from the person or persons that hurt us. Perhaps we fear that we will be misunderstood by family and friends. Whatever the wide range of reasons for doing this, we manage to shove the truth way deep down inside of us, and fool ourselves into thinking that if we ignore these feelings long enough, they will go away.
The truth is more than evident the longer you try to ignore it… the feelings don’t go away. The pain is real. It is not a band-aid wound. It requires extensive surgery, many hours of physical therapy and counseling for the trauma you have faced. I had to start thinking of my hurt, my pain this way. Instead of pushing my feelings aside for the sake of someone else, I’ve learned to be open and honest about them with the Lord. His presence is a judgement free zone! I’m not worried about being misunderstood, ignored or mocked. He already knows how deep my pain goes, and he’s been waiting all this time for me to admit that something really is wrong so that I can give it to him and allow him to carry it for me.
See truthfully, this journey that I’m on, that you may be on, ought not be taken lightly. There is a reason you decided to pursue your destiny this way as opposed to allowing it fall in your lap. Something propelled you on to this road. You cannot see where it will take you, and you don’t know where you’ll end up. All you know, and all I knew, is that there was more in life than what I had been living. More might mean you have to part ways with some stuff and some people. That is not to scare you, but rather to stress to you the level of impact this decision will have on the rest of your life. I can promise you that if you allow God to take you through this, whatever your “this” is, he will indeed take you by the hand and lead you through. Your marriage, your health, your identity crises, your sin issues, are not new to God and they don’t scare him. Things that cause us to stress out and lose it in life, cause God to jump into action, ready to accomplish everything that he said he would in his word. Walk in the truth of what you are experiencing and in the truth of God’s word. Dare to live in honesty on this journey. It’s going to hurt. You may cry. You will want to quit. But don’t. Let God be your safe place and allow him carry you when you don’t think you can take another step.