The title honestly speaks for itself! While I’ve brought finality to the “Getting It Back” series in terms of writing about it specifically, I’ll never really stop getting it back! Do you know why? Because I never want to find myself in that space again…that space where I’m stuck in an unhealthy rhythm because I tried so hard to make every little thing fit. I don’t want to get so caught up in meeting other people where they are, that I forget to give myself opportunity to fail and miss the mark. I deserve to be human too. Life has a way of MAKING you lay aside the pretenses, and instead allow things to be taken as they come.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with caring a little less from time to time! I’m so serious! If you guys knew the intimate details of the last four years of my life, you would be trying to figure out how I’ve not been admitted into an asylum by now. I have spent the majority of my life making sure I kept it together for me and everyone else. Maybe it’s an order of birth thing, or just my nature, but I’ve done it. I’ve had many moments were I was polished and appeared strong on the outside, but was broken and miserable on the inside. I’ve processed words so hurtful that they’ve knocked the wind out of me, but no one knew. I’ve cried in private long enough to get it all out, and then told myself, in an audible voice mind you, that I needed to get it together because “they” didn’t need to know that I was crying. Crazy right?! That was me! I had taught myself how to hold it together even when I was ready to burst at the seams.
And I finally did burst.
Every hurt that I ever swallowed for the sake of someone else’s feelings. It made its way back up.
Every word that was spoken to me that made me feel inferior or weak. I rehearsed it over and over.
Now, in the crux of my adult life, I realize that what I thought was strength was a weakness that has sent me on a life-altering journey. I can assure you the thirty-one days of it as penned in this blog didn’t even scratch the surface.
There is nothing wrong with sticking to a comfortable way of doing things and coming through like you always do. People need to know you’re dependable and that they can count on you.
The danger in this is that once you slip up, and you will, people will make it seem like you were never holding it down to begin with. Better to let your humanity shine now, before it forces its way out later.