I have been neglecting to write the last few days, because needless to say, I haven’t a clue how to say what I want to say. The lost post I wrote I decided to stow away in a private area of the site, because I read it and realized that maybe I just needed to get my thoughts out to myself, and not necessarily to the world. So if you’re wondering where I’ve been, I’ve been in thought.
Now, onto my journey! I know I said I was done posting, and I am, but not before I briefly tell you how good God has been. The reality is, whether we decide to engage the Lord and willingly allow him to guide us on the path that he has laid out for us, we all have something in us that requires that we make a change and trust that God will meet us in the areas that we are unfamiliar.
So as you well know, or maybe do not know, a lot of the posts from the “getting it back series” were mostly about my family and my marriage. To be honest, this blog was birthed in the middle of transition and tension in my personal life. What started off as an activity to distract me from what was going on around me, actually turned into a necessary way for me to purposely engage in my life and not try to ignore it. Ignoring your life does not make what you deal with go away. It will be there whenever you decide to check back in. Trust me on this!
I spoke a lot about allowing God to speak to your heart in the mist of trouble and trusting that he is perfecting something in you whenever circumstances in your life seem to be overwhelming. These are the lessons that God was teaching me, in that moment, as I posted. I wasn’t borrowing from someone else’s hardship. I had plenty of my own! I was in a place where I was trying to figure out if God was even interested in what was going on in my life. I wondered if I was to blame, which in a marriage or any partnership with another person, issues that rise to the surface over time are the result of BOTH parties failing in some area of the relationship. Maybe not failing, but falling short… continually. After acknowledging that I was hurting, I had to take some inventory. Self-inventory. I asked God to show me the part that I played, and he did. He showed me in big, bold, IMAX 3D.
I just want to pause here and open up that previous statement a bit. When you ask the Lord, to show you how you have contributed to the current state of your life, and he shows you, take it for what it is. God is a loving Father, and he is just, and he cares that his children hurt. He is also a sovereign, truth-revealing friend! He is involved in every area of our lives like a nurturing attentive parent, but he doesn’t have a problem telling us when we stink. This is the side of God I am becoming more intimate with. It is not easy, it is not for the faint of heart, but it is the most humbling process I have ever gone through in my life. I am learning that if I want my environment to change, I must change also. What I am seeing, is my environment behaving differently because I have chosen to engage it differently.
That’s not all God is though! Every once in a while he reminds me that he’s still wooing me, and that he cares deeply about me, and wants to see me living the abundant life that he fashioned for me when he sent his Son, Jesus Christ. I’m watching my home began to soften. The picture is not so razor-edged anymore. Not everyday is a “win”. There are days when I ask God if there’s something more I could be doing to facilitate the changes I want to see, and I am directed to keep straight! On the really bad days when the remind brings up things, like past hurts, rejections and betrayals, I cry out to God. Literally. I tell him how angry I am, and also how badly I want to let it go. I’ve had moments where I’ve flat-out told God that I wanted out, and he gently reminded that his grace was sufficient. Sometimes it happened silently in my heart. Other times it happened in a rage while sitting in my car alone.
As a whole, God is doing a new thing in my family, in my marriage and most importantly in me! It’s so hard to explain it out loud. People often have their own interpretation of what progress in relationships looks like, and forget that God’s primary concern in our pursuits of each other, is that we pursue him first. I love my husband, but I am anchored in Jesus. Not the other way around. I had to come to that realization the hard way. You don’t have to. You can get it now. Know now how deep and how wide the love of God is, and know that by choosing to allow him to be your everything, you will begin to see everything else in relation to Him. Be blessed friends.